Get Off My Lawn

by MyPeeve

Ages ago, back when I was a kid, there were different rules of the road for bicyclists. Some of you may be too young to remember that 30 years ago or more the conventional wisdom of the time said you should ride your bicycle AGAINST traffic so that drivers could see you coming. This was the same rule as for people walking (think rural roads with no sidewalks).

However, 20 or so years ago, the powers that be–don’t ask me; I have no idea who decides this shit– changed the rules for bicyclists. Ever since then, bicyclists have learned to ride WITH traffic. And with the advent of bike lanes on many roads, this is easier and safer than ever, EXCEPT for the old farts.

I’ve discovered a disturbing trend among the over 60 crowd in Austin. Maybe they dropped too much acid in their youth or listened to waaayy too much Beatles, but their biking skills seem to have reverted to their childhood. On far too many occasions, I’ve had an over 60 on a bike pull out in front of me going in the wrong direction in a bike lane. Of course, they’re not wearing a helmet either, but that’s another post. The completely bizarre thing is, most of these bike lanes have handy dandy arrows pointing in the direction that you are supposed to ride!

I don’t know how much simpler we could make it for these silly old coots. But we really need to get them better educated about the current rules of the road. I don’t want to mow down Gramps. I just want him to get off my lawn!

by el platter

Dear LifeTime Fitness ,

I hate you when we’re not together. Let me explain:

I pay a lot of money for your “premium” services. And I know where that money goes: into your facilities. Your facilities are exceptional for families, and that’s why I spend the money on you. Your locker rooms, pools, and kid services are great. I don’t get ogled like I did at Gold’s Gym. But you’re forgetting one thing. You’re forgetting that, these days, customer service isn’t just face-to-face. Your customer experience outside of your walls counts, too. And in that area: you suck.

1.Your myltf.com member area is absolutely, undeniably unusable. If you’re going to make me sign in every time you want me to visit the site, then please remember my login info or throw me SOME sort of bone so that I don’t have to scramble for my completely unintuitive login info EVERY SINGLE TIME I want any information at all.

2. Oh, and when I have to request my user info, it takes 1-2 hours for me to receive my reminder email. HONESTLY. COME ON. I want to work out now, not in 2 hours. The screen I get when my request is submitted is:

“Success! Your username has been sent to the email address provided. Thank you.”

Success? I’ll be the judge of that…in about 2 f*cking hours.

3. Find a way to allow keychain cards, thumbprint scans, smart phone check-ins or SOMETHING so that I don’t have to carry around a loose card when I work out. I know you use the cards for the lockers and I’m sorry for that. But that’s your problem to solve, not mine. I lose my card on a monthly basis and force you to create a new one for me every time. I know I’m not the only one. That CAN’T be cost-effective for you.

4. Here’s my biggest complaint: It’s 2011. Do not force me to log in and PRINT OUT a PDF schedule of your classes. And, what, put it on my fridge? COME ON. Give me an app. I need to be able to pick up my phone, touch a few buttons, and be on my way to a class that starts in 20 minutes. I hate you for not providing this type of user experience. Every time I have to download the PDF schedule, I think about how I should look into switching gyms.

5. And you’re not on social networks, either? (At least not that I can see.) Oh, sorry, you have a forum in your member site that I can never log into correctly. That doesn’t count. If you had a Twitter account or Facebook page, I would have just complained in one sentence, without being anonymous…but you left me no choice but to vent here.

I can’t believe I pay you a huge monthly fee just for me to want you to GET OFF MY LAWN. Hire an online customer experience/usability team (or fire the one you have and hire a team that lives in this decade).

By the way, I should be at Pilates right now, but I couldn’t log in to get the damn PDF schedule in time to make sure you didn’t change the class to 45 minutes later or something, like you have before on other classes. So I decided to write this instead. So now I’m annoyed AND no less flabby than I was this morning. Thanks a ton. I need a brownie while I wait for my reminder email.

by myerman

I’m a runner. I like to run. It’s how I relax, get some exercise, and enjoy some alone time away from all messaging devices and phones. I really like Town Lake here in Austin. The 10-mile loop is sufficiently long to give me a good workout, the scenery is gorgeous and varied, and the trail is sufficiently soft on my feet and joints to make the experience pleasant.

Here’s what makes the experience sucky. Other runners. I’d really like to meet your mothers, and ask them if they really raised you, or if you were raised by wolves. Actually, I take that back, wolves learn common courtesy as part of life in the pack, something that a lot of you obviously missed.

Let me summarize a few things you’re doing that annoy the living hell out of other runners. You’re welcome. Read it and get off my lawn.

1. If you’re a slow runner, that’s great. I understand. I’m also pretty slow. That being said, STAY THE HELL TO THE RIGHT so other runners can pass you.

2. If you’re there with a friend, terrific, but please don’t walk or run more than two abreast, so we can pass you. Let me reiterate for the slow ones in the class: if you and your three girlfriends walk next to each other, you take up the WHOLE TRAIL, so don’t get all pissy when runners shoulder their way through.

3. Speaking of breasts, if you’re a woman, wear a goddamned sports bra, okay? You may have breasts that rival Salma Hayek’s in perfection, but if they’re bouncing around like that all I can think about is how painful this must be for you. Please don’t ruin breasts for me.

4. If you’re a man, put a fucking shirt on. There’s no reason why the world needs to see your hairy nipples. I don’t care if you’re sporting a perfectly chiseled eight-pack, seeing your sweaty torso gallivanting down the trail is not good. And don’t give me that shit about your nipples being tender and bleeding. Slap on some vaseline, wear a proper runner’s shirt, and maybe grab some bandaids while you’re at it.

5. If you’re hurt or need to stop, look over your shoulder, drift over to the right, then stop. Don’t just stop right where you are, there might be runners coming up behind you. As in, really fast. As in, you’re the one who will hurt more. It’s called physics, dumbass.

6. Don’t throw your crap on the ground. Yeah, you’re this marathoner, I’m proud of you, you’ve got the goo and all the other little things that “professionals” use, well good for you. Throw your stuff in a bin, not on the ground. It’s unsightly, and I don’t want to have to slip on your debris.

7. If you’re going to spit or clear your sinuses, have the courtesy to do it when you’re on the right hand side of the trail, and look before you do it, there might be someone behind you. I don’t want to be sprayed by your by products.

There, that will get you started. Now stop being a dipshit.