Get Off My Lawn

by midnightferret

When a bar, restaurant, or club posts an event on Facebook for the same evening, and then yammers about how great whatever it is will be and how all the cool kids will be there, and how if I don’t attend I will be killing thousands of kittens, it almost makes me want to change the plans I have probably already made just to go to the event and possibly sabotage it in some manner.*

Social media can be a great tool. Users of social media can be even greater tools! I’m sure all your regulars are aware of your awesome event, but if you are actually trying to get more bodies to come through your doors, posting a Facebook event at 12:30 on the same afternoon as your “Dress As Your Favorite Soda Can to Save Endangered Jackalopes” party isn’t going to get results. You’re just going to end up with your usual Tuesday night crowd. If you’re lucky, they might wear tinfoil hats and give you an extra dollar tip to put toward the endangered jackalope fund. If your party/event is so important, then for godsake promote it better! At the very least, advertise it enough in advance that interested parties might actually have the time to plan to attend. If you can’t be bothered to do so, well, get off my lawn!

*Author’s Note: I cannot be more specific about the methods by which I might sabotage this hypothetical event because of the possibility of some kind of repercussion. The internet is a dangerous place, and I don’t want to be arrested for hypothetically sabotaging a hypothetical event in a hypothetical manner. You see what we, as a society, have come to. Don’t get me started on that one.

by midnightferret

Attention, mindless inhabitants of the internet: please look at all your goddamn food pictures before you plaster them all over your blog, Facebook profile, poorly done website, ass, or what-have-you. Please, just look at those pictures! Food photographs poorly. Extremely poorly. So poorly, in fact, that

If your food photo looks as delicious as this one, you have failed.

often, professional photographers will photograph “faux” food when a picture of food is absolutely necessary. I ask you, uneducated masses of the digital universe, if it’s necessary for professionals to craft fake food just to take an appetizing picture for a restaurant menu, then why in the name of everything unholy do you think you can do better?

For example, the barbecue ribs of which you want all of your Facebook friends to gasp in awe are not, in fact, “Yum,” as you have so glibly labeled them. Instead, they appear as if some unidentifiable and geriatric creature got hit by a semi, its ribs were locked in a closet in the desert for about four weeks before subsequently being coated in some shiny alien ooze. Nevermind the lumpy half-melted yellow modeling clay and greasy rabbit pellets next to your so-called “yummy” ribs. That isn’t “Yum,” my friend (and by “my friend” I mean “person I wish had never been born because your disgusting picture has put me off my truly delicious lunch”).  If you had only just looked at that rib photo before you hit “share,” I might not have been bombarded with an image that may put me off barbecue, or at least off ribs, for the next several weeks. I live in Texas, damn you! I deserve to have an appetite for ribs! Instead, I have a vague nauseated feeling because you can’t tell the difference between an appetizing food photo and a photo that looks like something out of Alien Autopsy. How in hell is that fair?!

by Richard

I can see by your super high follower count how incredibly popular you are. I see that you publish an “XYZ Daily” with 300+ entries a day. You spout rules all day on Twitter about how other people are so lame.

Your blog. Sigh, your blog. Where to start? You use it to show us all how smart you are and how intolerant you are of anyone else who is not at your “level” of technology knowledge. You ridicule people for getting frustrated with Facebook’s privacy settings; make fun of those who dare ask questions on Twitter; laugh at those who may not like new TSA rules; post complaints of those who might not travel by plane as often as your sought-after speaking self does.

You disrespect and sarcastically laugh off any comments there that dare disagree. Your comments are also filled with people who are only agreeing with you to kiss up to you as they have obviously bought into your expertise.

I GET IT — your words are so golden that orgs pay you hundreds to speak and thousands of wanna bes flock to hear you. I’m proud of you, you win. Now will you please STFU?