Get Off My Lawn

by I hate everything

Any person above the age of say, six, who spouts the term millennial needs to see a doctor. Hopefully they can get the oxygen flow restored to their brain and continue functioning if they end up getting help. But frankly, most are the social media ninjas that have double-jointed their arms to pat themselves on the back so much you’d think they’re giving themselves reach-arounds the wrong way full time these days.

‘Millennial’ is the adjective form of ‘millennium’, which as most people who’ve managed to pass elementary school should now know stands for one thousand years (that’s a one followed by three zeros, or, 1000 years). If you’re referring to a millennial person, then, you’re referring to someone who’s managed to live from before 1012 at this point. They’ve lived through the rise and fall of the Eastern Roman Empire and are still alive and kicking. Frankly I’m not sure why they’re even using the internet and working, they should have invested a little more wisely in their 200′s perhaps in order to avoid such things.

If you’re the mouth-breathing sort that enjoys saying shit like “This will appeal to the millennial crowd”, get off my lawn, before my decadial ass goes medieval on yours.

by myerman

I don’t even know where to start with you people.

I realize that to complete outsiders, the entirety of Twitter seems pretty pointless and stupid, and therefore this rant would qualify as “one chowderhead complaining about another variety of chowderhead” but JESUS FUCKING CHRIST!

Okay, here’s the best I can describe what you’re doing. Remember when you were in high school with all the other dweebs and jocks and loadies? Just trying to fit in or at least hide that case of godawful acne?

Okay, well, in that world, you Team FollowBack people (I’m sorry, #teamfollowback people) are the fucking cheer squad, those hyperactive little nitwits who led the entire school in pep rallies four times a year.

That’s right–pep rallies. Not even something useful, like an actual game (but that’s another rant for another time); no, just a pep rally. You’re the people who memorized the goddamn school fight song, while the rest of us were just trying to score behind the bleachers or just forget that we knew each other.

Whenever I see a #teamfollowback person in my stream, I not only unfollow, I block and report as spam. Because that’s all you do: retweet other people’s followback requests. You’re worse than useless.

by Youarejustavisitor

SXSWi will arrive in town in just one month. It will likely be even bigger than last year, which topped 12,000 in attendance. All of which is great for the local economy. What isn’t so great is the attitude of a great many of the out-of-towners that hit Austin as though it is some backwater village that should be grateful that those from exotic places like New York, Los Angeles and other cities have deigned to grace this tiny town with their presence.

What is worse is the mark they leave behind and the disruption they cause for the Austinites who are not attending SXSWi. Last year Whrrl thought it would be fun to spray their logo on the sidewalks of Austin. “Oh don’t worry they said, it’s bio-degradable” a year later and the logo’s are still visible on the sidewalk – I guess they will just spray over them again this year.

To top this, someone is planning a flashmob for SXSW, they have a sign up page, which they registered by proxy through GoDaddy. I have two issues with this, firstly, my guess is this will not take place inside the conference center, so it will cause even more mess for the rest of Austin. Secondly, and perhaps even more importantly A Flashmob?? seriously, at what is supposed to be a future looking conference we are going to witness 2006 style marketing?

If you are coming to Austin for SXSWi, please remember that after you have left, some people will remain in this backwater town that you think of as quaint and cool and they have to live here.

by MeanRachel

Dear “Austinite,”

No way! I had no idea that I-35 traffic was, like, the worst ever. I also really had no idea that the Salt Lick BBQ has the best ribs. Oh, and don’t forget to BYOB? Right! I’ll write that down! Thanks!

Yeah, I get it. You moved here after ACL — no, not the dust year…or the mud year…but that nice year! yeah! — and now you think this town is the sh*t. You know what, I don’t mind people moving here and I don’t mind you thinking my native city is amazing. But do you have to like it so damn much? So much that you’re going around reviewing cozy, off-the-beaten-path finds like Spider House and Guero’s on Yelp, as if you’re the first person to discover a Trudy’s Mexican martini served in a shaker?

What really scuffs my cowboy boots is that you call yourself an Austinite. Sorry, y’all, but in my book, to be an Austinite you need to have had your diaper changed on the lawn at Barton Springs Pool.

Signed,
A Native Austinite

by Kati

I sat there politely at the dinner party as you all bemoaned Twitter and Facebook and the whole entire Internet even! Weakening the social fabric of our communities! Turning our children into Zombies! And even, this was my favorite one, just making it “too easy” to find information…turning what used to be “great quests” for knowledge into something too quick and easy.

I’ve actually sat there politely many times, as you clucked your tongue about “what is it that people DO on Facebook?” or how pathetic people who use Twitter are, with their thinking they’ve got something interesting to say. “Where DO they find the time??” you say in that tone. “They must not have children,” you say in that tone.

A) Clearly, you’ve never seen the number of family pictures on Facebook and B) F*CK YOU, because married people with children who think their lives are higher on the meaningful scale than barren singles like me is a Get Off My Lawn rant for another day.

Do you know how many times I’ve told someone that the fact that they’re NOT using Facebook or Twitter means they’re choosing to live like cave people? That refusing to engage in social media is like deciding you’re going to be Amish? NONE! I’ve never criticized people for not digging the Internet or still loving their paper newspapers or not wanting to My Space or Facebook or whatever the new new thing is because I don’t care. I respect all lifestyle choices. People should do what they do. So I like to tend an imaginary farm at the end of the day…this interferes with your life how?

My Granny is 92…NINETY TWO, and she has a Facebook page. Granted, she doesn’t completely have the hang of it. Sometimes she posts long personal messages to people on her or their Walls. Occasionally I have to stop by and block all the messages from whatever new game one of her friends is playing. But my Granny is CURIOUS and she’s NOT AFRAID OF LEARNING NEW THINGS. Now, I’m not judging people who…oh what the hell…you judge me, so I’m judging you. Get curious about the world and learn a new f-ing thing once in a while! My Granny is hipper than you.

GET OFF MY LAWN!!!!!!!!!!!!!

by noahvail

Virginia Woolf wrote that “a woman must have money and a room of her own if she is to write fiction.” I’m pretty sure if Virginia Woolf were alive today she’d sit in her room checking Twitter and Facebook all day long, and trying to get to the supposed Shangri La of “zero inbox” instead of writing great books. She was a genius, but still only human.

I am seriously mourning my attention span these days, and I blame its decimation on our multitasking culture. In fact, every time I see a job description asking for someone “multitask-oriented” my rotten husk of a heart wizens a tiny bit more. And yet as I write this I have 16 tabs open in two different web browsers.

How much scientific evidence do we need to convince us that humans are not wired for multitasking, and that trying to do many things at once usually results in things not getting done, or at least done more slowly?

Hang on while I check Facebook.

Back.

As I was saying, we’re really bad at doing many things at once. It’s amazing how much more gets completed when we slow down and focus on one thing at a time. Try checking your email four times a day, instead of having it open all day long. If you can do this, you are a better human being than me. I tried it for awhile, then quickly lapsed into old bad habits.

There’s a quick, simple solution to all this, which…

Wait, hang on. Twitter.

by I Can't Hear YOU

Someone needs to create a sarcasm font.

Clearly, there are many, many people that are so tone deaf that they wouldn’t know sarcasm if it came up and hit them.

Take social media like Twitter. If I post a sarcastic comment, a CLEARLY sarcastic comment, why do some take it upon themselves to “correct” me?

I really don’t need your input, dickwad. I was making a joke. Generally speaking, one can only make jokes about things they understand.

ERGO:

1) I know what I’m talking about.
2) I understand it better than you.
And 3) You must not have been hugged enough as a child.

I really don’t need your pseudo-intellectualism, thank you very much.

I am also very sorry that you are stupid.

That said, get off my lawn.

by midnightferret

Alright, craphound. I get it. You somehow think that I don’t have 28 different RSS feeds in my feedreader dealing with world news. You think that out of all your SocMed “friends” that you are the only one capable of reading and sorting the world’s most important stories and then passing them on to us, the plebes, by posting them onto your SocMed services.

Well, I’ve got news for you. (Hahaha! Get it? News?! Hah! I kill me!) For someone supposedly so well-informed, you’re a complete moron. Sure, I don’t mind the occasional post of something you find more interesting than usual: we all do that. But limit yourself to a reasonable number of news reposts a day, please! I hate that when I’m trying to read about something more important, like endangered French hamsters, I get notifications from you about trivial things like cancer research. Every five minutes it’s something different! What, you don’t have a job? You don’t ever leave the house? I envy you, but that’s beside the point. Find something to occupy yourself besides reposting every damn news article you read. Here’s an idea: Post an original thought! You know, one you thought of all by yourself? Even if it was a lame original thought, it would be ok, because it wouldn’t be another fucking news post every five damn minutes!

If you are unable to form a coherent original thought, well, then get off my lawn.

by Awstun Bahrian

I’m getting sick of these greedy user-generated content (UGC) sites that seem to want you to do a lot of content generation for them, while they sit back, sip margaritas and watch their internet monies come rolling in.

I mean, really. Don’t I have better things to do than to work for you. Oh sure, it’s all in the name of sharing, but that’s the 2nd big lie, following closely on Coke’s heels!
You know, FaceBook, you took my information, my photos, and my very identity, because if I uploaded it, it’s yours now, right? And twitter, seriously, you’re charging $360,000 per year for a Halfhose? My God, why didn’t I think of that?

I urge you all to Revolt! Get off this lawn and set up your own site! Post your valuable ramblings there, instead! You have nothing to lose but your time and money!

by midnightferret

When a bar, restaurant, or club posts an event on Facebook for the same evening, and then yammers about how great whatever it is will be and how all the cool kids will be there, and how if I don’t attend I will be killing thousands of kittens, it almost makes me want to change the plans I have probably already made just to go to the event and possibly sabotage it in some manner.*

Social media can be a great tool. Users of social media can be even greater tools! I’m sure all your regulars are aware of your awesome event, but if you are actually trying to get more bodies to come through your doors, posting a Facebook event at 12:30 on the same afternoon as your “Dress As Your Favorite Soda Can to Save Endangered Jackalopes” party isn’t going to get results. You’re just going to end up with your usual Tuesday night crowd. If you’re lucky, they might wear tinfoil hats and give you an extra dollar tip to put toward the endangered jackalope fund. If your party/event is so important, then for godsake promote it better! At the very least, advertise it enough in advance that interested parties might actually have the time to plan to attend. If you can’t be bothered to do so, well, get off my lawn!

*Author’s Note: I cannot be more specific about the methods by which I might sabotage this hypothetical event because of the possibility of some kind of repercussion. The internet is a dangerous place, and I don’t want to be arrested for hypothetically sabotaging a hypothetical event in a hypothetical manner. You see what we, as a society, have come to. Don’t get me started on that one.