To all of you people who consider yourselves “decent Christians/Muslims/Jehovah’s Witnesses/Fill-in-the-Blank”, of all the demented things you can say in any social situation, “I will pray for you” is certainly just about the goofiest.

Well, no, I take that back, “Have you accepted Jesus/Vishnu/Allah as your personal savior” is probably goofier, except it veers any polite conversation quite suddenly into oncoming traffic, so to speak, so pretty much our terror masks the goofy. It’s not that you personally are terrifying, there’s just this long historical precedent of verbal conversion attempts being followed by sword/fire/torture that unsettles us.

Back to “I will pray for you.” I know that you think you’re trying to help. You hear someone is going through some kind of horrible bout with cancer, or has lost their job, or their kid has fallen out of a tree and broken both legs, or they’re about to be evicted from their home, or perhaps they have a case of rockin’ pneumonia/boogie-woogie flu and you say “I will pray for you.”

Please take a moment and just reflect on how fucking asinine this statement is. Here’s a person going through a cosmic shit storm of some kind, and you’re basically saying, “I won’t lift a finger to help you in any real sense, but I will petition my deity of choice to bend the rules of the natural universe in your favor.”

Frankly, I’m not sure if people who say this are trolling or just demented. If prayer worked to heal the sick, don’t you think the hospitals would be using it to squeeze out even more profit from Medicare? My other thought is, well if prayer is so grand, why don’t you pray away all your own troubles then? As the poet said, “Wish in one hand, shit in the other, see which one fills up first….”

Of course, responding this way to such a thoughtful statement just makes me the “angry atheist.” I suppose it is my cross to bear.

Any person above the age of say, six, who spouts the term millennial needs to see a doctor. Hopefully they can get the oxygen flow restored to their brain and continue functioning if they end up getting help. But frankly, most are the social media ninjas that have double-jointed their arms to pat themselves on the back so much you’d think they’re giving themselves reach-arounds the wrong way full time these days.

‘Millennial’ is the adjective form of ‘millennium’, which as most people who’ve managed to pass elementary school should now know stands for one thousand years (that’s a one followed by three zeros, or, 1000 years). If you’re referring to a millennial person, then, you’re referring to someone who’s managed to live from before 1012 at this point. They’ve lived through the rise and fall of the Eastern Roman Empire and are still alive and kicking. Frankly I’m not sure why they’re even using the internet and working, they should have invested a little more wisely in their 200′s perhaps in order to avoid such things.

If you’re the mouth-breathing sort that enjoys saying shit like “This will appeal to the millennial crowd”, get off my lawn, before my decadial ass goes medieval on yours.

For those of you who don’t already know, apparently all Christians are going to be raptured away to heaven on May 21, 2011, leaving all the rest of us infidels/unbelievers/Democrats to suffer through 7 years of The Great Tribulation.

That sounds terrible, right? All kinds of horrible stuff will happen to those of us left behind during this awful period, at the end of which the Anti-Christ  will reveal himself (probably Obama, but I’m still hunting through Revelation for his name) and then ka-plooey, the Mayans from Planet-X/Nidiru show up and tear our hearts out and then drive around in our Priuses.

Okay, I’m only making some of that up. Mayans don’t know how to drive, silly!

In any case, back to the fire and brimstone stuff, and how it’s not gonna happen. How do I know? Because it failed to happen before. Story time….

I grew up in a fundamentalist Christian home in the 1980s, so I was well-acquainted with a book titled The Late Great Planet Earth by Hal Lindsey. In this book, Mr. Lindsey believed strongly that the Rapture would happen in 1988, or 40 years (“one generation”) after the founding of Israel.

So instead of thinking rationally about it, or having adult role models who would help us with rational thinking, we were filled with fear and existential crisis. In short, we witnessed to unbelievers, we prayed our little asses off, and prepared for the great Rapture.

We even had church lockins to prepare for the Rapture, and then one final dry run….and guess what? We were all still there come morning. And there weren’t volcanos spewing hellish magma and giant scorpions with women’s faces running around impaling unbelievers on giant pitchforks.

Looking back, I really don’t appreciate the fear and paranoia that the adults put into all of us kids, but I also kind of thank them, because it was about a month later that I came out as an atheist. Not such a smart thing to do while I was still in high school, but hey, at least I wasn’t in thrall to some religious lunacy.

People, listen, this isn’t going to happen on May 21 or ever. It’s a fairy tale. But let’s just say that it did happen, you all understand where this is going, right?

• The airliner you’re in loses its Christian pilot, and everyone left on board plummets to their death.
• Countless cars, subways, trains, trucks and other vehicles become un-manned, causing mass fatalities and injuries.
• Any number of surgeons, doctors, first responders, and other people disappear in the midst of caring for others.
• Pregnant women who are Christians get raptured, but I guess their fetuses get left behind. (Ironic, ain’t it?)
• A bunch of congresspersons could be on the verge of passing a really important bill ….and, no wait, that’ll never happen. Carry on.

So basically, anyone who believes in this apocalyptic vision of mass chaos and destruction really has those loving Christian bonafides locked down good. Just don’t get me started on the people who have given up their jobs and medical school and will use up all their money by May 21 to prepare for this thing. Yeah, wow. (Of course, that’s an NPR story, so it’s full of facts, and other heathen stuff.)

Again, I reiterate, this ain’t gonna happen, which means I get to have a laugh at your dumb asses. Now, if the impossible happens and you all do GTFO, those of us left behind are throwing one hell of a party, and not just because we suddenly get our grubby hands on all the loot and real estate. Nope, a bunch of us will just be happy that Fox won’t have a viewing audience any more.

Oh wait, one last thing, there’s this Bible verse about no one ever knowing the day or the hour of Christ’s return…?

P.S. I’m writing this on May 18 not because I think I won’t be around on May 22 (puh-leeze, there’s no way I’d be raptured) but because I want my snark and derision on the record well before the non-event.

P.P.S. If you want to have some fun, go ahead and Google TEOTWAWKI. You just gotta do it. Dooooo eeeeet.

I recently had to go through the kind of hateful, agonizing, vile conversation with someone, the kind I don’t enjoy having, but have learned to expect in these crazy times. You know what I’m talking about–you start talking with someone and then they start spouting all kinds of stupid crap that just makes you think, “Huh, you think you know someone and then…”

In this particular case (and I really don’t want to recap the whole thing, because it makes my brain hurt) the person was spouting all kinds of hysterical bullshit about Muslims. Basically: don’t trust them, they are evil, they want to kill us all, we need to repudiate them, ostracize them, maybe even scapegoat them. That other people in her social circle seemed to be okay with this just made me crazy.

So I did what no one else seemed willing or able to do: I confronted this person, and called her out as a vile, ignorant bigot. Along the way I corrected her on basic facts (the holy book of Islam is not the Torah,but in fact is the Koran, stuff like that). Then I basically walked away.

Folks, I’ve reached my limit. I sincerely believe that the Internet is a big friend to people with fringe beliefs, and they sure get good at spouting their flat earth, missing birth certificate, CIA planned 9/11, all muslims are terrorists, and Satan is trying to trick us with dinosaur fossil ideas. Before the Internet came along, people with kooky fringe ideas had to say their stupid shit in private, or pay good money to create and distribute newsletters, but now, NOW they have Tumblr and Twitter, and holy fucking Christ….

So here’s the issue. We, the rational, sane people, are part of the problem. We aren’t confronting these assholes. We’re too polite, apparently, to tell them to shut the fuck up already. We’re too civil, it seems, and now we have this giant festering pustule of Stupid in our public discourse and society.

Of course, I may be totally wrong about our need to confront Stupid. In fact, I’d be willing to bet that I am absolutely 100% wrong about it. And it has nothing to do with their being right, it’s that we are outnumbered at this point. Nothing we do will have a real effect, it’s like spitting at an oncoming tsunami.

Let’s test that thesis. Even the President of these United States has to take time out of his busy day to address his fucking birth certificate, an issue that for 80% of Americans was settled 2.5 years ago. But no, the vocal 20%, they’re like fucking morons beating on their drums, and we have to go over and appease the little bastards.

The result? “Why did it take him 2 years to show it?” (He already showed it, this is the second time, fuckwit.) “Wait a minute, they should have said his father was a Negro, not African. In 1961 they would have said Negro. Negro Negro Negro.” (Frankly, I think people of the birther mindset just love saying the word Negro out in public.) “Oh well, whatever, his mother was 18 at the time he was born, and the law states that she had to be at least 19 to confer citizenship.” (Damn, I’m losing brain cells just listening to you talk.)

I saw a comment yesterday on a mainstream article (I think it was the New York Times, for pity’s sake) that even if the birth certificate were real, there was no evidence that the man who says he is Barack Hussein Obama is actually the person referenced in the document. How did they know? They heard a story once that Obama is using a Social Security Number from someone who died in Connecticut in 1890.

The fact that Social Security Numbers weren’t issued until the late 1930s probably wouldn’t faze this person one bit, but I still felt compelled to respond. For my efforts I got jumped on by 3 other jackasses, a jackass gangbang if you will, and so I walked away. My walking away hurts the public discourse, but so does my decision to not have children. The latter means the world will just fill up with more cretins, I guess, while the former means that we will just see a continuing decline in rational discourse.

So maybe I’m wrong. Maybe some varieties of Stupid can’t be fought. The birthers certainly don’t respond to facts, and I guess neither do the young earthers. If God said he made the earth in seven days, well okay, then. Maybe that’s why we’re all so fucked up–He should have taken more time.

When is enough enough? All we’ve heard from the “one-hit wonders” (AKA politicians) for years is how everyone needs even lower taxes. Don’t raise taxes on the poor/middle class/rich folks and corporations who fund our campaigns. Boo-hoo.

I’ve said it once and I’ll say it a million times until SOMEONE hears me. Taxes pay for the things a nation needs to function as a civil society. Roads. Public schools. Subsidized rural services like electricity and access to clean drinking water. They pay for the regulations so that your food is safe to eat and your homes don’t fall down because of shoddy construction practices. Police and fire departments so you have someone to call when something terrible happens. These are just a few of the thousands of things that being a tax-paying citizen affords you.

Now we have a Congress that is so in denial about how a democratic society runs that rather than raise taxes to combat a $14 Trillion national debt, they are going to nickle and dime public services to death. How stupid do you have to be to not understand how to use a calculator?

Here’s some simple math. $14 Trillion debt – $100 Billion (or so) in cuts to everything from fuel subsidies for the poor, national public radio, and planned parenthood will make a puny dent in the national debt (yeah, my calculator won’t even go up that high to give you an actual number). What it will do is devastate programs and services that people who otherwise couldn’t afford it need very much.

What about Social Security? Now, if you actually know how much you really pay in Federal withholding tax, you’ve probably also noticed that what comes out of every paycheck for social security is at least twice as much as you pay in withholding. However, the Social Security Administration is one of the most efficient bureaucracies in our government. Yet now, Congress wants to cut funding to that as well.

What’s the most important tangible value of the Social Security system? That’s right. Your parents won’t have to move in with you when they get old. Think about that. If that fact alone isn’t enough to make you beg Congress to raise taxes in order to protect Social Security from cuts then I don’t know what is.

The last thing I want is to have Congress start slashing Social Security benefits to old folks. They are happy in their retirement communities getting their monthly Social Security check and visiting the grandkids on occasion. Lets keep them there! You don’t want them living with you, do you? Of course not. So congress, raise everyones taxes NOW to start digging us out of debt. And for crying out loud, GET OFF MY LAWN!

Look folks, I know your kids mean the world to you. That’s great, and as it should be.

But seriously, why do you all feel the need to inflict photos of them on everyone else? Christmas cards have snow, Santa, trees, elves and occasionally Jesus on them. These are all fine depictions of the season, depending on how religious you are.

However. Think about this. Why would I want my living room adorned with other peoples’ children? Really?

Please just quit it!

The other day a friend of mine told me to have a good “Holiday.” This seemingly innocuous statement is already irritating enough — but she was talking about Thanksgiving! And that’s the country we live in: People subconsciously avoid the word “Thanksgiving,” a secular holiday, for fear of causing offense.

“Happy Holidays.” “Have a good Holiday.” These expressions sound like they were dreamed up by lawyers and greeting-card manufacturers. They say to me “Have fun non-denominationally buying shit this year.” Perhaps they were well-intended at some point, but we are past that point, and we should be free to celebrate our differences together.

CHRISTMAS! CHRISTMAS! CHRISTMAS! There, I said it, and I’m not afraid to say it again. Unless you are in HR-mandated sensitivity training and/or a public setting and referencing the various holidays celebrated during the month of December, it’s OK to say “Christmas.” Even, usually, “Merry Christmas,” especially when you mean the federal holiday on December 25. Regardless of your religion, that is still that day’s name, just as Chanukah is celebrated December 1-9 this year, and Festivus on December 23. (Ironically, out of fear that its omission would offend someone, I originally included Kwanzaa, but seriously? Kwanzaa?)

Around the office this time of year, there will be awkward mumblings like “Merry, um, Christmas…Happy, um, Chanukah…or whatever you celebrate…” and THAT’S OKAY. Regardless of your religion, anything is better than the mealymouthed “Have a good Holiday.”

As an indifferent agnostic (don’t know, don’t care), supposedly I should be offended by all this “Christ” business. I’m not. You can keep the Christ in Christmas, take it back out again — whatever. I’m still going to celebrate Christmas, with a tree, stockings, Santa Claus, and even church (I’m a sucker for stained glass and choirs). These are traditions my family chooses to observe. Rock on with your traditions, and take some paid time off in the process.

Oh, and if your traditional December-time party includes food and booze, please invite me. I’ll do the same. Feel free to wish me a Happy Chanukah or whatever tiding fits the occasion. I’ll do the same. That’s called tolerance. But it’s not just a “Holiday.”

Okay, I’ve had just about enough of nitwits in public discourse. From this point forward, if you say anything that resembles the following statements, then I’m going to just remove you from the “intelligent adult capable of maintaining a reasonable conversation” list and stop listening to you.

“Rich people shouldn’t be taxed more than anyone else.” Listen up, buddy, rich people are fucking laughing at you. You’re never going to be rich, but here you are carrying water for them. They fucking own you, and your mama, and your dog, and guess what they’re gonna do with their tax break? Fuck you some more. Oh, and then fuck your kids too.

“That last Matrix movie made sense.” Yeah, no. Now shut the hell up before I slap some sense into you.

“A flat tax is the only fair tax.” So I guess you failed math in school. Listen, I know you’re tired of people rolling their eyes at you, but when you say dumb shit, what do you expect? Here you go: if you take 10% away from a guy making a million dollars a year, he won’t miss the $100,000 because he still has $900,000. He can still cover the basics, buy a boat, remodel the kitchen, take a trip to Europe, do a lot of shopping, oh, and hire some lobbyists to go shake down Congress for more “tax cuts for the rich.”

But if you take away $2,000 away from a guy making $20,000 a year, that’s gonna suck big time. They’re not making ends meet as it is, they have a bunch of mouths to feed, they have a job they go to every day which means gas and clothes expenses, etc etc etc and now you’re taking away a huge chunk of their income. Way to go. Hopefully you feel good about that.

“The Star Wars prequels were better than the originals.” Those prequels are good for one thing and one thing only: landfill liners. They’re utter crap. I was expecting some exciting Jedi kick-assery and it turns out they’re more like Quakers who really really love Robert’s Rules of Order.

“What’s the big deal with oil spills? Mother nature takes care of itself.” Where to begin? I heard this blatant piece of oil company agitprop tumble out of the mouth of a Gulf Coast grandmother last weekend, and I just about shit my pants. Listen folks, oil lives miles under the surface of the ground. It does not normally mix with water. Hence that old saying about “oil and water.” Oh, God, I can’t believe I’m explaining this.

“Tax cuts lead to more job growth.” Well, Sparky, we’re approaching year 10 of the Bush Tax Cuts and so far, this is practically the worst decade of job growth since the sack of Rome. And at least that produced some income for people making sacks for the fucking Visigoths. So, when you have any evidence that actually backs this statement up (and evidence doesn’t mean repeating stupid shit from Glenn Beck or Rush Limbaugh) you might get my attention.

“Obama is a __________.” If the last part is anything other than “democratically elected President of these United States” please go fuck yourself. He is not a Muslim, not born in Kenya, not some kind of representative of the Lizard Overlords, or a Manchurian candidate, or whatever. Preh-zeeeee-dent.

“I have a personal relationship with God/Jesus/Vishnu/Cthulhu.” Okay, just to be clear, God doesn’t exist. Period. Full stop. That is my only bargaining position. BUT IF THE IMPOSSIBLE OCCURS AND I’M WRONG ON THIS, whoever God is doesn’t give a fuck about you. He’s got the whole universe to run, okay? The Milky Way galaxy doesn’t even register on his give-a-shit-o-meter, much less you and whatever it is you’re going through at the moment. So knock it off. (And, oh yeah, he can’t see your kids masturbate so stop screwing up their lives, okay?)

“We’re about to have Sharia law in the United States!” Yes, of course it’s going to happen, because all our federal judges and everyone else in the legal profession are willing to overturn en masse our entire legal system. You know, that thing that is basically the source code for our society? Yeah, let’s chuck it.

Listen, if you’re really worried about a bunch of foreign legal ideas from a long-ago culture screwing up our society, look no further than the 10 Commandmants.

“Hitler had some good ideas too, you know.” Heard this chestnut about a month ago. Unbelievable. Listen, if Hitler told me he wanted to start a service that personally delivered gold bars to my bedroom every morning, with each gold bar personally escorted by insatiable nymphomaniacs directly ordered to safeguard my libido for the Reich, my response would still be the same: STAB HITLER IN THE BALL. (See, he only had one, right, so….never mind.)