Get Off My Lawn

by noahvail

Let’s restore the original Star Wars trilogy to its rightful place in cinematic history: They were decent popcorn movies for kids, nothing more, nothing less. The brilliant thing about them was that George Lucas exploited the merchandising rights like no one had ever done before, which spawned a cottage industry that thrives to this day—along with three shittier movies. But the films themselves? Meh.

Let’s review:

Star Wars (Episode whatever-the-fuck, new-fucking-whatever): First third is really boring. Mark Hamill is a shitty actor. Luke Skywalker is whiny as shit. So is C3PO. Dialog sucks all around.

Empire Strikes Back: The best of the lot. Action-packed. Harrison Ford watchable in anything. Yoda. But the fucking walking AT-AT things have got to be the most stupidly designed machines ever. Dialog sucks all around.

Return of the Jedi: Those air-go-carts are kind of cool but… Fucking EWOKS! Dialog sucks all around.

Phantom Menace: Didn’t see it. Looked stupid.

ED.: Saw it. Jar-Jar Binks. Bleh.

Attack of the Clones: Didn’t see it. Looked stupid.

ED.: Saw it. Couldn’t wait for the Jedi to be snuffed. Roberts Rules of Order, anyone?

Revenge of the Sith: Didn’t see it. Looked stupid.

ED.: Last 20 minutes were cool. Annakin in the lava FTW! Then they had to do the NOOOOOOOOOOOO bit. Sigh.

Here’s the thing:

If you were a kid in the late 70s and 80s, you remember the mania surrounding the original three films, and probably bought into it. But that’s just it: you were a kid. These movies are for children. You are remembering how cool they seemed at the time, and refusing to view them critically now.

If you are a young person who didn’t see any of the original Star Wars movies until they were available on video or DVD, you are under the influence of old people, possibly even your parents, who projected onto you the coolness of the Star Wars franchise. It’s not your fault. But now is the time to repent.

And if you were an adult in the 70s and 80s, and still collect Yoda dolls and shit, well, that’s just sad.

by Grumpy GenXer

To all you little gangsta posers that can’t seem to find properly fitting pants: You look like an idiot.

Your boxers are not attractive and usually, having TWO free hands to do stuff is a distinctly human advantage over our other primate brethren. Oh wait, silly me, I confused you for an intelligent hominid.

Here’s a tip for ya: Properly fitting pants make it easier to run away from the Po-Po.

Pull up your pants and GET OFF MY LAWN.

by Grumpy GenXer

I’m looking at you, people who allow their children to run wild in public places.

No, I do NOT think your brat is cute, or adorable, or precocious, or whatever.

If I am in the middle of a beautiful, perfectly cooked steak and I feel piercing little beady eyes on my neck over the booth, I start to feel the rage creep up my sternum. It’s bad for my digestion.

If you cannot control your spawn, keep them at home.

The last time I checked, most restaurants are not jungle gyms. Most stores are not racetracks and most movie theaters are generally not for 2-way communication.

If your baby is screaming it’s fool little head off, REMOVE THEM FROM THE PREMISES.

Why is this so hard?

If you have a child that is old enough to understand “NO”, I suggest you make good use of that word and back it up with a consequence.

Is good parenting going to ruin some of your dinners? Um…yes it is. But guess what? You had ‘em, I didn’t.

~~Grumpy GenXer