Get Off My Lawn

by L

Two years ago, I started my breast cancer journey when I was diagnosed with stage 2B cancer. It wasn’t metastatic or anything but 12 surgeries, chemo and losing my hair and strength later, I can honestly say, I’ve come out on the other end healthy … No thanks to Susan G. Komen Foundation.

You hear everywhere that Susan G. Komen supports breast cancer research and they’re fighting for the cure. Hogwash. They’re supposed to be fighting to help women with cancer to get diagnosed and treated, as well as researching metastatic cancer, where a cure would have the most impact. Instead, they’re spending their money on PACs and organizations that have little to do with things that matter to breast cancer survivors, like partnering with handgun sellers.

I was fortunate enough to have health insurance that paid for about 80% of my treatment. I’m still working on paying off the other 20%. Nevertheless, I’m luckier than a lot of women in the same position, namely the ones who rely on most of their medical care through Planned Parenthood. Regardless of the political issues surrounding Planned Parenthood, they do provide much needed medical care for impoverished women; sometimes, the only doctors low-income women see are those at Planned Parenthood. So having those no or low-cost mammograms there were critical.

Komen has done nothing for me in my journey, despite several requests for counseling help to deal with the aftermath. They’re right on the spot, though, when they need volunteers, money or a cancer survivor to trot out when they’re in front of the press.

Sorry, Susan G. You lost my faith a long time ago. The latest shenanigans just confirm that decision.

by Soben

Now, I’m a guy, and I certainly haven’t had any experience with breast cancer anywhere in my family, so this isn’t immediately related to me, but it doesn’t mean this type of shit doesn’t annoy me.

I love breasts, and I want to see them still exist.

Recently, due to the constant nagging and pressure from anti-abortion groups (who tend to be the same ones that don’t want regulation on THEIR lives, but are fanatical about restricting OTHER people), The Komen Foundation recently pulled their funding of Planned Parenthood.

SGK’s money was put to work at Planned Parenthood for thousands of breast cancer screenings and mammogram checks, which are vital parts of what Susan G Komen’s Foundation is about. So thanks to anti-abortion groups, thousands of women are likely at higher risk of breast cancer now, without access to much needed screenings.

What particularly set me off (and got me to come here to let off steam), is that the VP of the Komen Foundation recently retweeted (and quickly retracted the RT), a message that is highly hypocritical and ignorant:

It argues that pro-abortion (which, of course, sounds worse than what it really is: pro-choice) are complaining about a cancer group as if they have no say in the matter (they’re completely unrelated subjects), but it ignores the damn fact that ANTI-ABORTION groups turned to a CANCER organization to force a decision that is completely unrelated to the organization’s goals IN THE FIRST PLACE. They did the EXACT same thing that the pro-choice groups are now pointing out and making a stand against.

SGK screwed up here. They should’ve kept supporting what they were created for (prevent breast cancer with awareness, regular screenings, and search for a cure), and not let groups that are completely unrelated to that goal intimidate them.

Stick with what you were created for, and don’t focus on anything else!

/endrant

by I hate everything

Any person above the age of say, six, who spouts the term millennial needs to see a doctor. Hopefully they can get the oxygen flow restored to their brain and continue functioning if they end up getting help. But frankly, most are the social media ninjas that have double-jointed their arms to pat themselves on the back so much you’d think they’re giving themselves reach-arounds the wrong way full time these days.

‘Millennial’ is the adjective form of ‘millennium’, which as most people who’ve managed to pass elementary school should now know stands for one thousand years (that’s a one followed by three zeros, or, 1000 years). If you’re referring to a millennial person, then, you’re referring to someone who’s managed to live from before 1012 at this point. They’ve lived through the rise and fall of the Eastern Roman Empire and are still alive and kicking. Frankly I’m not sure why they’re even using the internet and working, they should have invested a little more wisely in their 200′s perhaps in order to avoid such things.

If you’re the mouth-breathing sort that enjoys saying shit like “This will appeal to the millennial crowd”, get off my lawn, before my decadial ass goes medieval on yours.

by Ben

I swear to God, if I hear one more fucking person use the term ‘all natural’ as a synonym for healthy I’m going to snap.

Plenty of natural things can kill you, like arsenic, snake venom and ebola. Just because something is natural doesn’t mean its good for you, it just means the company selling you the product knows damn well they can just put some pretty pictures on the box and jack up the price because you’re not just shopping for food, you’re shopping for an identity.

The natural world is precious and wonderful and should definitely be revered but it was not created specifically for us, its not like the entire ecosystem is conspiring in our favour and trying to come up with ways of pleasing us.

Also, this notion that tribal medicine is somehow superior to ours is just silly. Just because some tribe in Papua New rainforest uses a particular herb as a healing agent doesn’t mean its better to use than a pharmaceutical anti-inflammatory.

There is a tribe in Papua New Guinea that believes that an important rite of passage into manhood has to involve drinking the semen of your elders, I have my doubts that those guys are infallible sources of wisdom on topics as complex and dependant on modern technology as pharmacology and medicine. Get off my lawn.

by Don't Get Me Started

Just get the hell off our collective lawn, Rick Perry. Asshole.

I mean, I could write out this whole post…sending links to all the articles about misdeeds, misappropriations, mishandling and misogyny during his endless terms as Texas governor, but the net result is that I just want him to go away.

I could talk about how he claims others are treasonous, while out of the other side of the mouth he talks about Texas seceding.

I could talk about how he preaches Tea Party values while being a lifelong politician and creator of big government.

I could talk about the complete lack of support he appears to have generated for people in our state who are burning up and losing their livelihoods. He’s too busy promoting himself.

I could talk about the rumors that he is gay. With apologies to my gay friends, I sincerely hope he is and that he is outed in a BIG way.

I’m pretty sure he’s behind A&M’s move to the SEC. Good luck not getting your asses handed to you over there, Aggies.

I could talk about how he’s an entitled, self-serving, short-sighted douchebag and yet somehow he’s gaining momentum in the national polls? W.T.F.?

But no one listens. No one cares. Good hair and pointy boots seem to be all one needs to win the presidency.

Ugh. I have Perry fatigue. Gag.

by Don't Get Me Started

Dear client: I realize the customer is always right, in theory.

I also realize that part of my job as a consultant is to help you navigate the confusing ocean of business technology products out there – and to help you be more efficient and productive. But I can’t do it alone. You’ve hired me to provide a service and then refused to allow me to provide it.

My skills are better than yours.
I spend hundreds of hours learning these complex products, getting certified on them, scouring blogs and knowledgebases so that I can be as informed as possible when I make my best recommendations to you. I’m an honest person with integrity and professional pride, but I do my best to turn the other cheek when you comment that I must not know my stuff when we come across a new error message. Do you have any idea how many things can go wrong on an enterprise-level system? No one person knows everything.

It is software for business, with rules.
I get it that you want to just delete something. But the reason the system won’t let you is that this is accounting, and if you “just delete” that, you’re compromising your financial records. Neither I, nor the software, is trying to make your life more difficult here. The software not letting you do that is not the result of me trying to somehow cheat you or having lied to you about whether or not it was good software.

You’re not as smart as you think you are.
Nor is the guy you sat next to in first-class. Despite how new his iPad is, he is NOT more qualified than I am to tell you what you need, especially since I’ve been working with you for years. I’m sure his briefcase was spiffy-looking, but what he told you is actually impossible and you telling me it “should” work is not going to change that.

Your failure to understand the process does not equate to me not explaining it. You can’t ignore the whole discovery and project planning process and then be pissed off when things don’t look the way you imagined them. Although, that’s exactly what you’ve done.

Don’t think you’re not going to pay me for my time. I’ve got the contract and all the documentation to back me up – so write me a check and get the hell off my lawn.

by Slavetofashion

I’ve lived in Austin my whole life with the exception of the first 18 months (when I was in San Antonio getting born and stuff). I tried going to college in Dallas which lasted all of 5 months before I hightailed it back to my hometown. I love it here- it’s fun, it’s home…. it’s a blueberry in a bowl of tomato soup. But what drives me insane are all of the faux Austinites.

You know the ones right? The ones who’ve been here five years, but they’re a total native. They go to ACL like, every single year. They don’t own a single Bob Schneider album, but they’ll got to his show because he’s soooooo Austin. They gush over every new trailer park eatery because it’s so quirky and cool and Austin. They look at you like you’re insane for not biking to SoCo for every single First Thursday. Basically, those people who want to shame you for being so un-Austin for not buying local only, grocery shopping somewhere other than Whole Foods or Wheatsville, and for drinking something other than a local beer.

Look sunshine, this is my city. I’ve been here since Liberty Lunch was a place to see 311 and since Southpark Meadows was the home of Lilith Fair and Dave Matthews Band not JC Penny’s and Steak ‘N Shake. I don’t have anything to prove to you. I’m just as happy going to a chain restaurant and shopping at the mall as I am eating at Hyde Park Bar & Grill and shopping at Lovely Boutique.

I’m truly happy that you are enjoying all of the great stuff Austin has to offer, and I’m even happy to share my city with you. But do not roll your eyes when I say I hate SXSW. Don’t gush to me over seeing Leslie. And for the love of sweet baby Jesus, don’t try and tell me where to get the best tacos. SXSW sucks, I’ve seen Leslie more times than I can count, and the best tacos are from my grandma’s kitchen. So shut the hell up and get off my lawn!!

by FoxyMoron

Hey jacknut! Yes, you in the pretentious car with the ridiculous stick figure family stickers and Speshul Snowflake Academy magnet. I’m not mad at you for pulling out in front of me, really. You saw an opportunity, miniscule as it was, and you took it. Good for you!

The reason I’m annoyed is that you’re either too stupid to know or too douchey to care that you completely ignored the merging rule. If you cut someone off in traffic, kindly speed the fuck up until you are driving the same speed as those around you. Don’t make me slam on my brakes and then coast behind you. It just gives me time to plan your slow death.

No, instead of letting me go about my morning unannoyed, you cut me off and then drove about 13 miles per hour, disappearing suddenly to grope around the floor of your car for what must have been something incredibly important, leaving me to stare helplessly at your small, baby like, most likely clammy little hand gripping the steering wheel. You emerged clutching some Very Important Papers, probably the application for your speshul snowflake to attend private squash lessons again this summer. Yaayy! Another magnet!

Now you are sauntering along, reviewing your Papers and sipping your Starbucks, seemingly oblivious to the four miles of cars stacked up behind you desperately weaving to and fro trying to catch a glimpse of what has disrupted their morning commute.

Please, take a private lesson on non-asshattery or GET OFF MY LAWN!

by Maxine

Firstly, I’d like to start by saying I actually do quite a few of the things listed on this site that qualify me as an asswipe. What can I say? I’m a work in progress. :)

But, my rant for the evening is… people who act like they’ve never met anyone from another country before. Ok, so maybe it’s completely possible that they haven’t… we are in the middle of bum-fuck nowhere Ohio, after all.

So, I am in the midst of a separation/divorce. So I decide to spread my wings, and venture out into a new circle of friends this past weekend, by doing something out of the ordinary for me – going to watch a Cincinnati Reds ballgame.

After having lived in the US for 15 years, most people are used to my craziness… er, I mean accent. Frankly, by now, I don’t even remember that I have one!! But, throw me into a new group, and it’s like I’ve just stepped off the boat again.

These people looked at me like I was a freaking rock star!! Now, ok, what the hell is she complaining about, you’re probably thinking. Trust me, after having to explain your entire life story every time you open your mouth for the past 15 years, it gets a little old.

My sarcastic remarks have gone through quite a few changes over the years – I’ve had plenty of chances to test my material, see which ones fly over, and which don’t. But now, the whole *I came here for love* story needs a whole new ending! I’m still practicing the appropriate response. There’s nothing like dropping the D bomb, and having everyone go immediately into a big Debbie downer. But no, it’s all good! – I tell them. They’re not believing me. Deep sigh. If only they knew.

So where was I? Ahh, the ball game. So, I had one guy say to me – can you say Joshua? (umm…) So I say it. Oh man, he says, girls with accents are HOT!! Please. If I were 300 pounds with a wart on my nose, would you be saying that? (no offense to the larger ladies of this world, nor the wart wearing ones either – I had them on both knees as a kid)

Then, I had the guy who ended up sitting next to me, who would not stop talking to me the whole time, much to the chagrin of his wife who was on his other side. I heard a few snide comments coming from her – she was not impressed with his excitement over the whole Australian thing.

I went to the bathroom at one stage, and came back to find she had swapped seats with him. And she wasn’t interested in finding out about the finer details of the Outback, trust me. Neither was she impressed when he told her that since she was sitting next to me now, that it was her responsibility to keep me informed on the finer points of the baseball game.

Hello?? I might be a foreigner, but I do have the brains to work out the rules of a freaking ball game! I just wish he didn’t continue to try to talk to me over the top of her head… can I get some peanuts please?!

So, in summary, Australians are just people like you. We may not come from the land of the free and the brave, but really – we’re actually freer AND braver than you all, just don’t let anyone else know. We are just people.

Admittedly, yes, our people are way cooler than yours for the most part, but if you can just treat us like you treat others, we’ll be happy to share our fabulousness with you. And sure, if you’d like to buy me a beer to show your appreciation, go right ahead.

Just don’t ask me to say your name. :)

by Don't Get Me Started

Dear this year’s weather:

You suck for making floods in the Midwest while we are in a bone-crushing drought.

You can kiss my ass for visiting countless severe storms and tornados on the South while we sit here parched and on fire.

I go to turn off my car and burn my finger on the metal part of the key where it fits into the steering column? Really? It’s just now June 1 and we’re getting the worst of the typical August weather?

I hate the sultry. I hate the unrelenting oppression which continues through the darkest night. I hate that I can drink a 64-ounce water while I work in the yard and not have to tinkle later. I hate the smell of sweaty pits.

Why is it so damn hot? We live in a temperate zone if you hadn’t heard.

Whatever one’s position on global warming, you can’t deny that it farking sucks, weatherwise, in Austin right now. My sunglasses fog up when I step outside. My yard is dead. Our gorgeous greenbelt is turning brown. Mopac and Oak Hill are up in flames. Doggie footpads are burning on the concrete. I scalded my tongue on a bottled water that had been sitting on the passenger seat. Babies are dying inside parked cars. It is crushingly hot, way too early in the summer.

My car thermostat literally showed 124 F yesterday. How is that acceptable?

It is time to return to some average temperatures, weather. You heard me. Get off my lawn, or if you won’t, at least please rain on it a bit.