Festivus 2011: Airing of Grievances

23 Dec

by

Okay, because it is Festivus, I will follow @imtheq’s lead and Air Some Grievances™.

  1. I am disappointed to find myself constantly explaining to non-Texans why/how Rick Perry keeps getting re-elected.
  2. It’s nearly 2012. No jet packs. No ray guns. No lightsabers. But we have Twitter. #aggrieved
  3. I’m seriously wondering who you people are who like and/or demand 3-D movies. Can I punch you in the face?
  4. The world is run by morning people. I find you distressingly disappointing. Now go get me that cup of coffee.
  5. You people who say “lightening” instead of “lightning”? What the fucking fuck? Stay in school.
  6. All of you folks who tweeted death threats because of #godisnotgreat trending–way to go.
  7. Copious and capricious non-productive sexism. Get your shit together — this is why you’re not getting laid.
  8. Any cop who tases/pepper sprays/beats a peaceful protestor, anywhere on earth: we do not forgive, we do not forget.
  9. All you assholes who have given “patriot” and “patriotic” a bad name with your hijinks–you offend me to my core.
  10. The constant bedwetting and uber rhetoric of both left and right. Pipe down and let’s jut talk this out, okay?
  11. People who don’t pay attention to my twitter stream. What the hell? It’s all about me, okay? @technosailor
  12. People who don’t put apostrophes in the right places. Jeezy Creezy.
  13. Ignoramuses who actually believe there is a war on Christmas. Listen, just buy your gifts and sing your carols and STFU.
  14. You people who dress up your dogs and cats and then post images on the interwebs? I hope those animals eat you.
  15. Austinites. You suck at driving, okay? Seek help. Green light != tap the brakes as you approach intersection. GAH!
  16. WWF pluggers. I know what you’re doing. Let’s throw down with a Scrabble board face-to-face. Twats.
  17. Patrick Stewart, you haven’t aged a day since you leveled up in the 1990s. What the hell man?
  18. Any fanboy geek, anywhere. Yes, yes, yes, they left out Tom Bombadil in LOTR movie. Deal.
  19. Misleading headlines in blogs. Die.
  20. Newt Gingrich. The worst of the 90s come back to haunt us. Feh.
  21. Tebow. I don’t follow sports, but you are an egregious moron. Keep your faith to yourself, you little pimple.
  22. Cialis commercials. What do sitting in bath tubs have to do with sexy time? WHAT? WHY?
  23. People who say things like “it’s always the last place you look.” Of course it is! Why keep looking once I’ve found it????
  24. Companies that send you SMS spam. Hunt you down with a machete.
  25. Finally, you Facebook pokers. Really?

2 Responses to “Festivus 2011: Airing of Grievances”

  1. brainfan December 27, 2011 at 8:07 am #

    Just read through the entire list and loved it until I got to the end and realized that you hadn’t outed out the tongue swallowers who refuse to punctuate their sentences or those who don’t understand the difference between coincidence and irony and I came to the conclusion that you must be a stupid fucking fucktard so now I’m going to rummage around the rest of the site to find every other stupid fucking thing you say so I can stalk your stupid ass and remind you at every turn that the only losers who waste their time reading this worthless waste of space are feeble-brained butt scratchers whose time isn’t valuable enough to greet white trash at Walmart.

    Reply
    • myerman February 2, 2012 at 4:57 pm #

      yada yada yada

      Reply

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