Get Off My Lawn

by MamaKat

No, I’m not going to rant anything pro- or anti- legalization. Although that’d fit right in with the list I’m about to publish here. I’m going to rant about Facebook friends that Beat! Me! Over! The! Head! with their bullshit causes.

Let me backpedal a sec to clarify that I don’t take issue with the causes themselves, and in fact, agree with the sentiment behind most of them. What I take issue with is the machine gun-like succession of these posts taking up linear meters of space on my News Feed.

I’ve seen a smattering of these repeated by various “friends,” but I’d like to publish a list, pulled from ONE particular friend’s page – and this isn’t spread out over time, these posts, in some cases, were literally minutes apart:

• Sign a petition to help the Sierra Club stop polluters!
• Sign a petition to freeze Mubarak’s illegally-gained fortune!
• Petition Obama to say No GMO’s to Monsanto!
• Save Social Security!
• Don’t let Congress silence PBS and NPR!
• No handouts for corporate polluters!
• Let the Patriot Act expire!
• Save the Yellowstone buffalos!
• Save the wolves!
• Keep diesel out of our drinking water!
• Say “NO” to fracking!
• Don’t let the gov’t take our abortion rights away!
• Don’t let the gov’t redefine RAPE!
• Let the gays get married!
• Say NO to the internet kill switch!
• Don’t say the word “retard!”

Did you get all that? If you honestly read that entire list, and gave even a millisecond of thought to each item, much less formed a solid fact-based opinion for each issue introduced, then you are a better person than I am. I get as far as item #3, my eyes glaze over, and I feel a visceral despair for the state of the world. How can so many things be going so terribly wrong? And all at the same time??? We’ll never be able to fix this! Might as well shoot myself in the fucking head and escape the miserable bonds of this mortal coil.

But wait! There’s hope, you say? If I push “Like” and create that little thumbs-up icon, and then “Share” the same article with all of my friends, we can turn all of this around? That there’s a government-appointed “Facebook Monitor” sitting in an office somewhere, diligently watching the tally rise, waiting for that perfect moment he can rush into the Oval Office and say, “Mr. President, ONE MILLION Facebook users have officially “liked” the idea of squelching Monsanto’s evil influence. It’s time to take action! Let’s Roll.”

Listen, I think it’s great to champion a cause. It’s great to be proactive, and educated, and aware of what’s going on in the world around you. Hell, it’s great that you’re not posting updates about where you ate lunch, or what color your kid’s poop was today. But just because YOU made a New Year’s Resolution to “Make A Difference” or “What The Fuck Ever,” does not mean that I want to be a part of it.

Now… in the words of Bill Cosby, I told you that story so that I could tell you this one:

I, too, am championing a cause. But contrary to our friend above, I’m not being a lazy little bitch about it. I’ve put over 40 hours (so far) into creating and maintaining a blog of my own, more hours of face time into approaching people directly about it, and even more time personally thanking everyone who has gotten involved. Oh, yeah, and I feel strongly enough about it that I’m planning to shave my head.

Want to see what it’s all about? (And who I am, behind this curtain of internet anonymity?) Click here: www.StBaldricks.org/participants/MamaKat

Namaste.

by myerman

I’m going to take a lot of heat for this, and it doesn’t matter if I explain myself beforehand because people are knee-jerk reactionaries no matter what, but…..here goes.

I rather enjoy music. I write and code with headphones going at full tilt–probably Blues or maybe Tchaikovsky. When I run, I make sure that my Shuffle is powered up and full of 80s Pop (it’s mindless and provides the right beat for 3-4 hour runs during marathon training).

I have wide musical interests, ranging from Bach to Duke Ellington to Ray Charles to Metallica and Stevie Ray Vaughn and the Eagles and the Doobie Brothers and The Police and BLAH BLAH BLAH.

Occasionally, although I suffer a bit from tinnitus (that’s a painful ringing in the ears, caused by a very loud heavy metal band in 1992) I will go to a concert. I especially like the Mother Truckers. And so on, and so forth.

What I do not enjoy is this compulsion that Austin has to stick a fucking musician in every available nook and cranny you can think of.

I go to a coffee shop, and there’s a guy with his six-string and an amp, obviously needing a lot more practice but hey he’s GOT A CD oh christ. I go to a networking event, looking forward to good conversation and connecting with folks, BUT I CAN’T HEAR ANYTHING OTHER THAN THE BALLS-OUT BAND GOING AT 300 FUCKING DECIBELS.

I wrote that last part in ALL CAPS to give you some idea of how I feel during that event, mostly because I’m shouting the entire time to be heard and understood. I also find myself leaning in to people’s personal space a great deal to hear and understand them, a situation that I find extremely uncomfortable.

In other words, I resent showing up to an event that I thought was non-musical and find out there’s a guy in the corner playing his instrument badly. If I want music, I’ll go to a concert, or I’ll put on my headphones and enjoy AC/DC or the Doobie Brothers.

That’s it, now bring on the flames.

by midnightferret

Creepy, ain't she?

I’m not talking about true Pollyannas. Some people just can’t help being positive all the time. It’s a sickness, and I pity them. I’m talking about the smug people who always go on about their positive outlooks on life, the universe, and everything, and then promptly turn around and whine. Usually right on the tail of saying, in a false self-deprecating manner, “You know, I try to stay positive about everything. It’s healthier/better/ eatitmylifestyle’sbetterthanyours!” The next thing you know, they’re whining about some insignificant BS.

The first problem is the whole smug thing. Smug people suck. Smugness is only allowed when someone increases his/her efficiency or otherwise accomplishes something which makes his/her life more awesome. And if you find yourself feeling smug, try to keep it to yourself, like a fart. If a little bit leaks out, and it only lingers for a short time, fine, that’s allowed — if it’s only a little. Otherwise, I don’t want to be around you.

The second problem is yammering to the whole world about how positive they are, and then the first time they break a toenail or something the whole “positive attitude” goes out the window. To clarify, I don’t mean that people aren’t allowed to complain about real problems. I also understand that we all have subjective ideas about pain and problems. I understand that one person’s broken toenail is another person’s broken arm (because some people are whiners). What I do not understand is how someone can tell the entire universe (usually via social media) about how positive he/she is and then spend two or three days whining about how horrible everything is for him/her.  If we are close, and you have any problems (big or small) you are always welcome to tell me about them. If you are broadcasting to the entire universe via social media, I really do not care about your little inconveniences.  Still, that’s because I’m a cranky mofo, and that’s also an entirely different post. The larger issue here is that you are supposed to be little miss/mister fucking sunshine, aren’t you? If the former is true, then you shouldn’t be whining every ten fucking minutes about how miserable you are. I hate to abuse italics even more than is my habit, but really, what else must I do to convince you people to do some serious self-examination?

Either stop being hypocrites or stop being whiners: I really don’t care as long as you get off my lawn.

by MyPeeve

When is enough enough? All we’ve heard from the “one-hit wonders” (AKA politicians) for years is how everyone needs even lower taxes. Don’t raise taxes on the poor/middle class/rich folks and corporations who fund our campaigns. Boo-hoo.

I’ve said it once and I’ll say it a million times until SOMEONE hears me. Taxes pay for the things a nation needs to function as a civil society. Roads. Public schools. Subsidized rural services like electricity and access to clean drinking water. They pay for the regulations so that your food is safe to eat and your homes don’t fall down because of shoddy construction practices. Police and fire departments so you have someone to call when something terrible happens. These are just a few of the thousands of things that being a tax-paying citizen affords you.

Now we have a Congress that is so in denial about how a democratic society runs that rather than raise taxes to combat a $14 Trillion national debt, they are going to nickle and dime public services to death. How stupid do you have to be to not understand how to use a calculator?

Here’s some simple math. $14 Trillion debt – $100 Billion (or so) in cuts to everything from fuel subsidies for the poor, national public radio, and planned parenthood will make a puny dent in the national debt (yeah, my calculator won’t even go up that high to give you an actual number). What it will do is devastate programs and services that people who otherwise couldn’t afford it need very much.

What about Social Security? Now, if you actually know how much you really pay in Federal withholding tax, you’ve probably also noticed that what comes out of every paycheck for social security is at least twice as much as you pay in withholding. However, the Social Security Administration is one of the most efficient bureaucracies in our government. Yet now, Congress wants to cut funding to that as well.

What’s the most important tangible value of the Social Security system? That’s right. Your parents won’t have to move in with you when they get old. Think about that. If that fact alone isn’t enough to make you beg Congress to raise taxes in order to protect Social Security from cuts then I don’t know what is.

The last thing I want is to have Congress start slashing Social Security benefits to old folks. They are happy in their retirement communities getting their monthly Social Security check and visiting the grandkids on occasion. Lets keep them there! You don’t want them living with you, do you? Of course not. So congress, raise everyones taxes NOW to start digging us out of debt. And for crying out loud, GET OFF MY LAWN!

by amber

Y’all had me confused for a moment. I’ve been looking around in confusion for the dropped asses, cats and dogs, and dead bodies y’all keep talking about but I don’t see them! Turns out:

Nope, you didn’t literally die laughing.
Nope, you didn’t literally freeze your ass off.
Nope, it wasn’t literally raining cats and dogs.

Literally doesn’t mean what you think it means. Literally.

Ed. Note: Had an earlier piece on GOML that covered the use of literally, but literally, I felt that the people who misuse this word are packed in this here bitch so wall-to-wall tight that it couldn’t hurt to repeat it. You’re welcome.

by myerman

So I went for a run a few Sundays back, mostly in my neighborhood. I saw these two teenage boys going door to door with flyers. Not an unusual occurrence. I had three more miles to run when I saw them, so I forgot about them.

When I got home, my lovely wife mentioned that some kid had put something on my car. So I go back out to the driveway and take a look. Sure enough, the kids I saw walking around the neighborhood before had put a flyer on my car.

Not under my windshield, but on my car door. At first I thought it was stuck there with some kind of adhesive, but no, it was attached with a magnet. Real classy. This kind of shit is intolerable.

I wonder if Papa John’s Pizza is aware that this is going on? And I also wonder if they think I’m ever going to order pizza from them ever.

by LottaColada

Last weekend, I had the pleasure of taking my daughter to see a three dimensional love story about gnomes. Yes, gnomes. We didn’t intentionally seek out a 3D garden gnome experience, but the showtime fit our schedule best. I’m not sure what kind of premium I paid for this gem because I lost my mind somewhere between chasing two children down the toilet paper aisle of the grocery store and baking a gazillion cupcakes for a school “friendship party.”

Two seconds after the lady at the ticket counter handed me our snazzy 3D glasses, I wondered, “Why does a gnome need to be three dimensional?” My daughter was also confused, with good reason. While the story itself was tolerable, the 3D features were not. We actually attempted to watch the film without the uncomfortable glasses at one point. The fear of losing our eyesight put an end to that little experiment.

To put it simply: substandard use of 3D technology bites. While theater chains might be hoping that 3D will garner big bucks and revive the movie-going experience, all it’s done is convince this mama to spend her hard-earned dollars elsewhere. I get it — not all movies can be Avatar. But, darnit, my daddy always said, “If you’re going to do something, do it right.” And if I pay for a gnome movie that is advertised as “3D” then I fully expect a gnome to be in my physical universe at some point during the show.

This is the third movie I’ve seen to poorly execute on action in the third dimension. These flicks have led to increasing disappointment, and I now question the validity of all 3D movies. I suspect others are doing the same. In fact, an influx of pathetically produced 3D movies may very well serve as the final nail in the coffin of the traditional theater.

Better under my lawn than on top of it, I suppose.

by myerman

I got stuck the other day listening to a guy drone on and on about how “Obama was ruining the country and bringing about socialism blah blah derp derp.”

I try to not get involved with saying anything in person, because I end up losing IQ points like Charlie Sheen on an all-expenses-paid getaway weekend.

But something this guy said right after the Noun-Verb-Socialism construct that really struck me. He was talking about his two boys playing in Little League, and how all the teams got trophies at the end of the season. His youngest son’s team came in 12th place, dead last, but they got to take home a nice little trophy.

Okay, motherfucker, if you want to talk about the thing that will destroy the fabric of our “free market meritocratic achievement-based capitalistic society” it ain’t a President who ain’t a Socialist and ain’t practicing Socialism or even coming remotely close to anything Socialism like.

It’s you and your little entitled white-bread SUV-driving suburbanite dumbass brethren who have somehow conspired to mollycoddle an entire generation of snot-nosed dipshit children who we’ll all have to deal with when they realize, at age 25 or 35 or whenever, that the WORLD DOES NOT GIVE OUT TROPHIES FOR DEAD LAST.

But by that time, I guess, Rush Limbaugh will have refreshed your talking points memory cache, and you’ll be talking about something else equally inane.

GET OFF MY LAWN!

by MyPeeve

This may not be for you, but you simply MUST tell your parents or grandparents to stop this shit right now! This is not 1998. We did not all just jump on the “interwebs” yesterday and start forwarding stupid emails from other stupid people. I say ‘other’ because we ALL did it at least once before we clued in.

Whether you would ever admit it to your friends or not, you, at some point in your early web-aware days forwarded some urban legend email crap like the one I received this morning and had to debunk via:

http://www.snopes.com/medical/disease/cancerupdate.asp

Whether it was (my personal favorite) a “don’t click on a link about happy kittens or it will delete your hard drive” email, the imminent Facebook Shutdown in March of this year (on no!), or the plethora of post September 11th fear-mongering stupidity, we’ve all seen it/done it.

What I don’t understand is why it continues to happen today. If I get an email with some form of copied text (usually with cutesy background colors and an other-than-black text color) or a million and a half forwards about Foo Research Company findings, I’m immediately suspicious. If Foo Research Company has indeed done valid research, then send me the link to their fricking web page.

And for crying out loud, if you receive one of these damn things, YOU HAVE A RESPONSIBILITY to Google whether it’s an urban legend or not before forwarding it on. What’s more, you should know this by now.

But we all have to hand-hold the old folks. Granny and Grandpa don’t know that Crazy Cousin Clare sends this shit out to everyone on her email list because if it’s on the web, it must be true! We have to explain to them that this stuff is unwelcome spam. Think of it as doing your civic duty. It takes a village to educate the elderly about the pit falls of the internet.

So lets all get out there and save someone from themselves. Then tell them to GET OFF MY LAWN!

by midnightferret

Attention, so-called “humans.” You aren’t the only people in the universe. The parking lot at Best Buy isn’t your personal driveway. The actual street isn’t your personal driveway, either. And by “personal driveway,” I mean “place in which you decide to stop and have a long conversation with your friends and family while spreading out in order to occupy the maximum possible space with as few bodies as possible.” Most people choose to use their living rooms for this purpose, but if you are one of the asshat neighbors mentioned earlier, you probably love to congregate in your driveway instead.

But in all honesty, I don’t care what you do in your driveway. That driveway belongs to you. You know what doesn’t belong to you? Public thoroughfares. Just because it’s possible to stop as you’re passing your fellow idiot on the road and roll down the window for a lengthy chat doesn’t mean it’s advisable. I’m driving behind you, and when you do that, the longer your conversation lasts means more time for me to figure out the ways in which I’m going to ambush and kill you.

In case you are unfamiliar with the words “public thoroughfare,” and are unable to use a dictionary, allow me to elaborate. Areas which fall under this header are: any public parking lot, sidewalks or exercise tracks, again, the actual street, and aisles at grocery stores. I could probably think of others, but if you haven’t gotten the idea by now, you’re even worse off in the brains department than I thought you were.

And let’s just talk a little about the grocery store, for that matter. You might have some burning need to stop and chat with your pal in the middle of the street or the parking lot, but really, most people go to the grocery store to buy freaking groceries! Why in the name of hell and all its denizens are you standing between me and the Honeycrisp apples, yammering on your cell phone, and using your cart and your three unrestrained children to block the entire produce aisle? The produce aisle is pretty big: it takes a lot to block it. In fact, in the extra time I have because I have to stand there waiting for an opening or attempt to turn around,  I often wonder if you are in some sort of “block the entire produce aisle” contest. I think you’re winning.

So here’s the deal. If you are in a parking lot or any public place where people drive cars, there are usually two lanes. Because those lanes of traffic go two ways, it is unsafe to just randomly stop to talk to someone in another car. Wave to that person, and make a mental note to call him or her when you get home. Also, “store time” does not equal “social time.” It certainly doesn’t equal family time. I’ve never understood why it takes you, your husband or wife, your mom, your cousin, and all of everyone’s children to go to the damn grocery store. If you must bring your entire fucking family to the grocery, don’t walk more than two abreast. Possibly three if the aisles are wide, but the point here is to leave enough space for people to get back and forth despite your traffic-blocking selves.

I was going to include a crude graphic for you morons, but I decided you weren’t even worth my fucking graphic. Get off my lawn.