Hyperbole Man

29 Jun

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Yesterday, I witnessed a lot of emotions in the wake of the Supreme Court upholding the Affordable Care Act. (For you Canadian and European readers, I know you think we’re all a bunch of fucking lunatics for having our asses in an uproar over such a basic thing as healthcare, but bear with me.)

There was joy, relief, and elation (particularly among those in the populace who have been on the sharp end of the insurance industry stick) and there was disappointment, bafflement, and fear (mostly from those who quibble with the legality of the law, still, even though now all three branches of Constitutional government have passed/upheld the damn thing).

I’m not talking about any of those people. No, there’s another group of folks out there, and there’s no denying that it’s a large group, and man have they overdosed on the crazy pills. I’m talking about the people who are so crazy that they make the guys who want to start a shooting war over healthcare reform seem positively tame. (In case you missed it, there’s grumbling out there that the way to repeal the healthcare law is to get yer gun. In all fairness, that particular GOP fuckwit who said that has since apologized, but maybe attach a filter to your stupid yap next time?)

No, I’m talking about the real crazy people. Those who make grandiloquent over-the-top hyperbolic statements, the kind of breath-taking hyperbole that make normal everyday hyperbolic statements go, “Duuuuuuude.” Like those who claim that healthcare reform is compassion at the end of a gun. YES, we’re all a bunch of roving madmen knocking down your door in the middle of the night, sticking a shotgun in your mouth and shouting, “YOU WILL HAVE HEALTHCARE! AND YOU WILL LIKE IT!”

I’m also talking about an ex-acquaintance on Facebook who compared healthcare reform to the Holocaust. That’s right, providing affordable healthcare to uninsured Americans is just like the wholesale slaughter of the Jews by the Third Reich. That person has been unfriended and blocked, and anyone else with equally cockamamie ideas should come forward now because my unfriend/block muscles are all limbered up.

(If you need more crazy, go here. But be prepared to facepalm. I especially like the bit where Chief Justice John Roberts only voted to uphold ACA because someone kidnapped his family and threatened to kill them unless he voted the way he did. Yeah.)

In a way, I feel bad for these people. I can’t even begin to imagine what their home lives are like. I’m sure the dog shitting on the carpet is like the firebombing of Dresden. Having the DVR not record your favorite show is like ethnic cleansing in Bosnia. The dryer not properly drying the heavy comforter is like Abu Ghirab prison.

This kind of hyperbolic thinking is the end result of listening to right-wing media personalities, and I know, you’re just in thrall to the stupid and can’t change the channel or read a book (other than the Bible). But these rhetorical tropes are way past their expiration date, folks. Hell, it was tiresome back in 2009 when people were running around with Obama as the Joker signs.

(And yes, the image on the left is a picture I took in 2009, at a healthcare rally in Austin TX for crissakes, so don’t try to convince me that these people are running around in the back woods. They live among us.)

I’m sure if I gave enough of a shit, I’d find out that these same people also profess to believing in a flat earth, a return to the Gold Standard, that we faked the moon landings, and that faeries really do cavort in gardens. I don’t know, I don’t care, just stay the fuck away from me, and take a chill pill, okay?

 

 

PS. I took this second picture at the same rally. I asked the woman permission to take the photo, and she agreed on one condition: “Okay, but don’t go around telling people I was calling Obama a Nazi.”

So I said, “Well, you’re kinda making a direct comparison there, in writing, to the Third Reich.”

And she said, “No I’m not, I’m saying that government healthcare is about Nazism.”

And there you have it.

 

Worship of Job Creators

27 Jun

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There’s been plenty of press lately about “job creators,” which, if you haven’t figured it out yet, is a made-up media code phrase for “rich white guys who don’t want to pay taxes so let’s keep lowering their taxes why don’t we?”

Say what you like about rich white guys, taxation levels, and what have you, but could we please please please PLEASE stop kissing rich people’s asses in this country? Rich people are no different from you or me, except they figured out how to fleece other people and then hang on to their ill-gotten gains, whereas you and me can’t be bothered building wealth because big corporations (and rich people) keep offering us up Blu-Ray DVDs and CD Box Sets of our favorite bands.

Also, please note that these rich white guys (aka, the “Mitt Romney set”)  may be “job creators” in that they might use their millions to start a business, but no business survives unless the real job creators show up. For those of you who skipped the insightful classes at the Harvard Business school, this constituency is called customers, and usually a business needs a metric fuck-ton of them in order to keep the employees ummmm employed.

I mention this only because I recently spent a year working at a startup funded by a high net-worth individual who rolled the entrepreneurial dice but it all crapped out because the idea didn’t attract actual customers. So instead of continuing to fund this pie-in-the-sky dream, he decided to shut everything down and lay everyone off with 2 weeks notice.

From job creator to layoff creator in one short year, all because the simplest of business precepts wasn’t adhered to. See, they’re not all that smart, or worthy of our worship.

Facebook Groups

25 Jun

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There are many mysteries in the universe, like where did we come from, why are we here, what do women really want, and why do the Cialis commercials put people in separate bath tubs and equate that with sexy time. I don’t know if any of those mysteries will ever be figured out, so I’d like to turn my attention to another mystery:

Why do people on Facebook think it’s okay to add other people willy-nilly to their groups? I know that we’re all helpless to your craven desires to create your reindeer games arenas, and that there’s no way for me to block your attempts, but for crissake. Why would you think that I’d like to be part of your Breakfast Taco Lovers group, or your Ayn Rand Reading Circle group, or your Funny Pictures of Baby Hippos group?

I’m flattered that you think I’d like to commune with you in your love of fat little hippopotami eating their greens and frolicking in the mud, but no thanks. I have half a mind to start some asinine groups of my own and to invite each and every one of you group-happy little fucks to them.

And I’m not talking about merely weird groups, I’m talking depraved. As in a People Who Love to Smear Peanut Butter on their Privates and Then Run Naked Through Shopping Malls group. Or a group for Reformed Phone Sex Operators Who Like to Discuss the Koran.

And I’m not just gonna add you to these groups, but your siblings and parents too. Maybe we can escalate this to the point where Facebook will finally allow its users to opt out of the stupid. I know, that sounds ridiculous, but a guy can dream.

“I had the weirdest dream last night…”

22 Jun

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You’re at your aunt’s house, except she doesn’t really look like your aunt; she looks like your seventh-grade math teacher. She’s tying to tell you something really important but her words come out all underwater-sounding like the parents in Charlie Brown. Suddenly you’re outside. You don’t know how you got there and the trees are swaying crazily. You feel a warm breeze. Then this guy walks up and…

Oh my god I am so fucking bored.

Unless your dreams involve lots of acrobatic sex with monsters and pirates , no one cares about them.

Your dreams, for the most part, are just clutter filling up the dustbin of your mind. And on those rare occasions when they are meaningful, they are still not interesting. So unless you are a child (or, again, monsters and pirates), shut up about your dreams.

And get off my lawn.

Foul Abusers of the Drive Through

20 Jun

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Many of us don’t agree on a lot of things. Some of us are dog people; others are cat people. Many of us are night people; the rest are certifiably insane. About half of us will vote for Romney; the other half, for Obama. Some like the original Star Wars sequel; and some are crazy enough to profess a love that dare not speak its name for Jar-Jar Binks.

However, I’d like to suggest that there is one thing that can unite us, and that is a deep, unabiding hatred for those who abuse their drive-through privileges.

Yes, I’m talking to you, lady in the minivan full of sweaty pre-teen soccer players at the Taco Emporium. Do you really need to order 30 bags of tacos, each with different options for the vegan kids, the food-allergy sufferers, and the Satanic spawn who don’t care for bacon? You realize those little infidels don’t even like tacos? That they’ll likely just smear it all over themselves and then run through your clean house, being sure to bounce off every surface in sight?

Lo there, motherfucker at the Starbucks drive-through, ordering your soy latte half-caf with six Splenda stirred in halfway through and another five Splenda poured over the whip cream until its nice and crackly. Do you realize that there are now eight cars behind you, eight cars full of caffeine-deprived zombies who would gladly kill you for a brief sniff at the coffee of the day?

And you, asswipe who walks up to a drive-through ATM to get your money, but you don’t just get your money do you? NOOOOO, you also check your balance, then transfer some money into your offshore accounts. Listen here, I’m hoping to get my 20 bucks out if the fee is $2.00 (0therwise, a $3.00 fee will send my bank account to oblivion)  so while you’re standing there, how about you pull out some cash for me too?

Let’s call it my fee for not hitting you with my car.

Why is it sooooo hot?

18 Jun

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One of the more interesting phenomena I’ve witnessed over the past 2 decades or so has been the reaction of otherwise smart people (I’m talking about people who have MBAs, for crying out loud, who have gone to school) to the climate change we are all witnessing.

At this point, even the most die-hard deniers of climate change have changed their tune from “climate change isn’t happening LALALALALALALALA” to “well it might be happening but man and his activity on earth isn’t the cause” (and don’t think that people haven’t caught on to your particular brand of sneaky weasel bullshit, either–we all know you’re stalling until you can figure out how to profit from climate change).

So there I am, in a business setting, listening to a bunch of purportedly smart people, in Minnesota, and they’re all talking about the fact that they got no snow that winter. In Minnesota! “Whatever could be happening! It’s so weird!”

So let me get this straight. There’s a bunch of evidence, before your very eyes and other sensory apparata, that something untoward is happening with your local climate. Not just a mild change, but Minnesota, land of freakin’ ice and snow, where the Polar Bears roam, you betcha, not getting more than a trace amount of snow during the depths of winter….I don’t know about you, but I think I would get me to a googlery and perhaps ask some half-assed questions.

Here are a random set that come to mind:

  • Why isn’t it snowing in Minnesota?
  • What’s up with all this warm winter weather?
  • Boobies

Sorry about that last one, but whenever I go to google I tend to revert to default search behavior.

Anyway, at the very least, a very short amount of searching will run you headlong into the Wikipedia page on climate change, maybe some scientific journals about the same topic, and sure enough, oodles and oodles of Heritage Foundation funded papers that basically say “nothing to see here, DRILL BABY DRILL.”

My point is, you’d at least know that “climate change” is a thing, and that at the very least, 99% of conservatives think there is some kind of debate (thanks to all that oil industry money) and that the other half of the population seems to believe the scientists.

I don’t know about you, but no matter how this thing plays out, I think we need to come up with a few scapegoats when the icebergs are parked on top of the Empire State building. I don’t think we should try to blame the Jews, or the gays, or even the Federal Reserve (really, people, let’s get some originality in our prejudice!), but I do think we should all find a climate scientist and punch him in the balls for starting all this trouble in the first place.

In fact, the more I think about this idea, the more I like it. Henceforth, let the Internet decide on which day we should celebrate Punch a Climate Scientist in the Balls Day. Someone with design skills should whip up a mascot, possibly an iceberg with inflamed scrota. Let’s do this thing, people.

I will pray for you

15 Jun

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To all of you people who consider yourselves “decent Christians/Muslims/Jehovah’s Witnesses/Fill-in-the-Blank”, of all the demented things you can say in any social situation, “I will pray for you” is certainly just about the goofiest.

Well, no, I take that back, “Have you accepted Jesus/Vishnu/Allah as your personal savior” is probably goofier, except it veers any polite conversation quite suddenly into oncoming traffic, so to speak, so pretty much our terror masks the goofy. It’s not that you personally are terrifying, there’s just this long historical precedent of verbal conversion attempts being followed by sword/fire/torture that unsettles us.

Back to “I will pray for you.” I know that you think you’re trying to help. You hear someone is going through some kind of horrible bout with cancer, or has lost their job, or their kid has fallen out of a tree and broken both legs, or they’re about to be evicted from their home, or perhaps they have a case of rockin’ pneumonia/boogie-woogie flu and you say “I will pray for you.”

Please take a moment and just reflect on how fucking asinine this statement is. Here’s a person going through a cosmic shit storm of some kind, and you’re basically saying, “I won’t lift a finger to help you in any real sense, but I will petition my deity of choice to bend the rules of the natural universe in your favor.”

Frankly, I’m not sure if people who say this are trolling or just demented. If prayer worked to heal the sick, don’t you think the hospitals would be using it to squeeze out even more profit from Medicare? My other thought is, well if prayer is so grand, why don’t you pray away all your own troubles then? As the poet said, “Wish in one hand, shit in the other, see which one fills up first….”

Of course, responding this way to such a thoughtful statement just makes me the “angry atheist.” I suppose it is my cross to bear.

Anyone who makes user interface changes.

23 Apr

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Hey! You! Yeah, you, company that does [whatever webpage/tool/thing]!

Look, I realize you’ve got a bad case of keeping up with the joneses over there, but seriously, stop. Just stop. If facebook makes a ui change, that doesn’t mean you have to. If G+ adds more whitespace, that doesn’t mean you should. Stop and think about two things. First, is your interface that problematic that you need to make a change? Second, is this change going to actually improve the user’s experience?

Note that the words “dated” and “theme” aren’t in there. If a good chunk of your users are saying something about it, then maybe you should take a look. If they’re not, then DON’T FUCK WITH IT. Sure, you can make a minor change to a rounded corner on an input box, or a slight color tweak here and there. Wholesale changes that significantly alter functionality or alter readability are probably not a good idea.

Last, when you do need (not want, need. You know, you’re “dying and need water to live” need, not “need a cheeseburger because it’s noon and I’m hungry” need) to make a change, do it as infrequently as possible. More than once every couple of years is downright brain dead. Do you hate your users or something? There’s no reason for that!

I realize I’m using your “free” service, but I’m paying by letting you have access to that data. You want me to keep using [x,y,z], then stop fucking my experience with your product up.

Susan G. Komen

3 Feb

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Two years ago, I started my breast cancer journey when I was diagnosed with stage 2B cancer. It wasn’t metastatic or anything but 12 surgeries, chemo and losing my hair and strength later, I can honestly say, I’ve come out on the other end healthy … No thanks to Susan G. Komen Foundation.

You hear everywhere that Susan G. Komen supports breast cancer research and they’re fighting for the cure. Hogwash. They’re supposed to be fighting to help women with cancer to get diagnosed and treated, as well as researching metastatic cancer, where a cure would have the most impact. Instead, they’re spending their money on PACs and organizations that have little to do with things that matter to breast cancer survivors, like partnering with handgun sellers.

I was fortunate enough to have health insurance that paid for about 80% of my treatment. I’m still working on paying off the other 20%. Nevertheless, I’m luckier than a lot of women in the same position, namely the ones who rely on most of their medical care through Planned Parenthood. Regardless of the political issues surrounding Planned Parenthood, they do provide much needed medical care for impoverished women; sometimes, the only doctors low-income women see are those at Planned Parenthood. So having those no or low-cost mammograms there were critical.

Komen has done nothing for me in my journey, despite several requests for counseling help to deal with the aftermath. They’re right on the spot, though, when they need volunteers, money or a cancer survivor to trot out when they’re in front of the press.

Sorry, Susan G. You lost my faith a long time ago. The latest shenanigans just confirm that decision.

 

Susan G Komen pulling Planned Parenthood funding

2 Feb

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Now, I’m a guy, and I certainly haven’t had any experience with breast cancer anywhere in my family, so this isn’t immediately related to me, but it doesn’t mean this type of shit doesn’t annoy me.

I love breasts, and I want to see them still exist.

Recently, due to the constant nagging and pressure from anti-abortion groups (who tend to be the same ones that don’t want regulation on THEIR lives, but are fanatical about restricting OTHER people), The Komen Foundation recently pulled their funding of Planned Parenthood.

SGK’s money was put to work at Planned Parenthood for thousands of breast cancer screenings and mammogram checks, which are vital parts of what Susan G Komen’s Foundation is about. So thanks to anti-abortion groups, thousands of women are likely at higher risk of breast cancer now, without access to much needed screenings.

What particularly set me off (and got me to come here to let off steam), is that the VP of the Komen Foundation recently retweeted (and quickly retracted the RT), a message that is highly hypocritical and ignorant:

It argues that pro-abortion (which, of course, sounds worse than what it really is: pro-choice) are complaining about a cancer group as if they have no say in the matter (they’re completely unrelated subjects), but it ignores the damn fact that ANTI-ABORTION groups turned to a CANCER organization to force a decision that is completely unrelated to the organization’s goals IN THE FIRST PLACE. They did the EXACT same thing that the pro-choice groups are now pointing out and making a stand against.

SGK screwed up here. They should’ve kept supporting what they were created for (prevent breast cancer with awareness, regular screenings, and search for a cure), and not let groups that are completely unrelated to that goal intimidate them.

Stick with what you were created for, and don’t focus on anything else!

/endrant

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